January 8, 2014

My Waiting Broke

I began to cry in the middle of the night. Trying to console me, my husband asked what was wrong and I simply whispered "I'm tired of waiting..."

He stayed up with me until almost dawn as I whispered my heartache over this waiting game. I shared how my life had just been a chorus of phrases like:

"In 2 years, In 5 years, After you get this done, When that is paid off, After you have that degree, take your time, just wait..."

I was tired of waiting for life to knock at my door, hand me my diploma and the keys to the minivan.
But that knock is never coming and my waiting was broken.

When I had purged all these feelings, my husband gently spoke: "But we are living our life."

He reminded me that we are not waiting...we are doing! That just because we are working toward something doesn't mean life is on hold. We are living.

I was defining "life" based on what other couples in their mid-20's were doing. "Real life" was having kids, a minivan, and a mortgage. And that is real life! It's their real life, but not mine, not right now.

I have these weird day dreams where I leap into the future and try to describe my present situation. When I think about this period of my life I would say:
"Aw, my 20's. The was when I was waiting for everything."

But what I need to embrace is this:
"Aw, my 20's. That was when I was a newlywed, and we went off to Bible College for 5 years, and traveled overseas, and met amazing people."

It gives me comfort that my husband's words of wisdom came right out of scripture. Matthew 6:34 was meant for us list makers, the doers, the 5-year-plan makers.

 In this section, Jesus reminds us that he will take care of our needs and that we simply need to draw near to him. Then he gives a final reminder because he knows we rolled our eyes; he says:

"Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Every day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:34

Then in a beautiful reminder I am drawn back to Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God!"

So no more waiting for life to show up. It is right here, right now.
I'm embracing my mid-20's and the life that I have. My 30's, motherhood, and an adult job will come soon enough. But this is my life NOW. And I don't want to miss it while I wait for something else to come along.