October 21, 2015

Phase Four: Content Choices

Thank you for your continued prayer during this season of our life and phase of healing. If you are reading this post for the first time, you may refer to the Phase One for background on our miscarriage story. 

One of the things I focused on during the miscarriage was the positive fact that I was able to get pregnant in the first place. This was a miracle in itself. The surgery to remove the tumor was successful and the diagnoses of only stage 1 Endometriosis was such a blessing. We had expected things to be much worse.

So when the hard news hit, I focused on December and the hope of having another announcement.
When I had to breathe through nightmare contractions, I focused on the fact that my story is not over; I will have another chance to have a child.

Once the fog cleared (of the physical pain at least) my husband and I had the conversation. With emotions at bay, we discussed when we would try again for a family of three.
While other couples may start as soon as her body allows, other couples are not us. Other couples are not in their senior year of Bible College. Other couples are not graduating in May. Other couples are not student workers employed part-time with no health benefits.

Not that it could't be done. But we needed to be realistic and honest.
It would not be honest to send resumes this winter and go to job interviews over Spring Break with the full intention of being a stay-at-home-mom once the baby is born.

So we wouldn't try again until settled where ever God takes us after May.
I've already done the math. I know it will be almost a year or more before I hope to see another positive pregnancy test.

Some days I am fine with this. I just finished midterms and finals will be here in 2 months. We will keep busy with networking and prepping resumes. We have 7 months left to soak up fellowship with classmates and professors. Our schedules keep us busy. And as a young married couple, we have plenty of time.

Plenty. of. Time.


Then there are days when all I see are a the tiny boxes I have to cross off. Three hundred and sixty five boxes. When I can barely make it through a single day.. I think of how many more I have to "make it through" before our family grows. It feels never ending.

While I am so scared to ever trust a positive test, while I will hesitate at every ultrasound, and I know I will panic at every feeling and abnormality. While going through all of this again seems terrifying, I long to be pregnant again. 

I have already heard people say "You have plenty of time." But the irony is that they are the same people that say "Don't tell God your plans!" when I share that we are waiting.

It's smart to be realistic. It's healthy to mourn.
And it's okay to prepare while God heals us.
And it's okay to rest while He moves in your heart.

"He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake."
Psalm 23:3

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