November 18, 2015

Phase Six: Altered

If you are visiting my blog for the first time, you may refer to the Phase One for background on our miscarriage story. We are thankful for your continued prayer support during our journey. 

When I began these posts I wrestled with what to call them. I jumped between "Part" and "Phase." And even though I have decided on "phase" it still does not adequately label these forms of expression.

A "part" & "phase" elude to a conclusion. There may be dozens of parts and phases, but eventually they will be complete; they conclude. I think this reveals my mind set at the time of losing Baby O. My Type-A personality said "you will only mourn for a short time, this will just be a portion of your story, this will only be a phase."

And while some days I wish it was over, there are tender sweet November moments when I am thankful to have my battle wounds. There are times when I just want to write a blog post about my weekend plans or show off my Christmas decor. There are also times when I open a post, bare my soul, and leave the post in draft mode because it is all too tender to release to you.

I am learning that a time is coming when "phase" is not permanent enough. I no longer want to look back and read about my phase of miscarriage, because God has moved mountains in my identity, marriage, relationships that far exceed the capacity of a "phase."

There has not been a day since September when I do not think of Baby O. in one aspect or another. That has never changed.

What has changed, and is so beautiful, is what brings Baby O to mind.

At first the thoughts came from a place of deep mourning. I missed my baby. Then through gentle interactions and tender conversations I was reflecting on Baby O in a positive light. God used our child to reach those around us that had not yet come to terms with their out miscarriage story. God used our child to soften our hearts toward the hurting hearts of others. My husband and I mourn better. Our arms are open with unconditional apology for the hurts of a broken world.

And with that I am thankful.

Only the God of the Bible, our Creator, and redeemer. Only He can take something awful and by His spirit use it to bring peace and comfort to our hearts and to the hearts of others.

Nothing else can do that. No one else can do that.

This is a life change. Not a "part" or "portion" or "phase" of my life. The very fabric of my thoughts, of my love, and of my actions are altered.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold the new has come." - 2nd Corinthians 5:17

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